Killogram celebrates 7th Anniversary

Killogram celebrated the 7th Anniversary of thinking about signing up to do charity work, but never actually doing it today. "Yeah, I think about it a lot. I have a lot of spare time, I sometimes think 'I should go downtown and work at a soup kitchen or something' but I know I'll never do it, it's way to dirty in those places, but I do feel better after I think about doing it.", remarked the internet mogul.

"I remember after I graduated college, I had a lot of ideas about giving back to the community and all, but the community seems fine to me. I don't want to go down there and interfere with their system."

Killogram celebrated this 7th Anniversary by blatently ignoring all homeless people who asked him for change and not contibuting to any local fundraisers. He vows to keep his lack of philanthropy going as long as humanely possible.

"I'll tell you that I'm going to go help, but let's be real...I have other things to do, ya know? Maybe I'll vote in a local election or one of those school board things this year. Actually, I'm not even going to lie, I won't do that either."

Laser eye surgery

Killogram reported today that he is seriously considering getting laser eye surgery. "I read this pamphlet about it at the mall, and it seems pretty cool," said Killogram. "I've always wanted to have a laser eye." Killogram went on to describe the new things this surgery would allow him to do. "I could shine it on the movie screen when I'm at the theater. OK, that's pretty lame, but I bet it could also work as a can opener if I shoot the laser around the edge of the can." Killogram later added that he would try to use his new powers "only for good".

1000000000 Seconds

Stories abound as to what Killogram will do to celebrate this upcoming July 25th, when the internationally-known entertainment mogul will turn 1000000000 seconds old.

"I don't think I'll live to see that day", said a teary-eyed Killogram addressing the media at his weekly press conference. "I mean, it's still a month away right? A lot can happen in that month. I'm trying not to get all caught up in the hype. There are a lot of haters out there that would love to not see me make it."

Fans around the world seem to disagree with Killogram as many have already begun preparations for the magical event. "The wife and I are going to try to make it to Cincinnati, visit his birthplace, his high school...you know all the normal stuff.", said Adolf Von'Ritriz from Germany.

Three St. Louis teens were arrested this past week for breaking into a party supply outlet and stealing streamers. When questioned by the Manchester police department, 1 teen responded with "Killo loves streamers man, we were going to try to get on his property and do his house up nice...till you fuckin' ruined it!"

Not many can blame Killogram for wanting to avoid public fanfare about the upcoming event. Many remember all too well the tragedy of his "900000000 seconds" celebration on May 24, 2001, in which 3 people senselessly lost their lives. Although still an open case, many attribute their deaths to ingesting copious amounts of bad peanut butter which was accidentally served at his home.

Killogram up in arms about "silences"

Blatantly ignoring the request proffered by Michael Buffer of a "moment of silence" to honor ex-President Ronald Reagan, Killogram continued to babble on about nonsense, totally un-aware that the rest of the party, that had gathered to watch a pay-per-view boxing event in a home in Wichita, Kansas, had fallen mute.

"No way are they going to let De La Hoya lose this one. Judges are in the pocket. Did you know he gets paid every time he says 'Let's get ready to Rumble!'? That's nuts, I should copyright some shit and get paid. HA HA! What's up with Ronald Reagan? His face is on TV every time I walk by? Is this my beer?"

"I couldn't believe it", said a party-goer, "here we all are doing the moment of silence thing, and he is just going on and on. I've never seen anything like it".

"That man has some balls, man", says Randy Spelling, son of Aaron and brother of Tori Spelling. "I mean...wow. Just wow...how do you continue to talk thru a moment of silence? I was just sitting there with my mouth open. Big balls...huge, man."

Killogram made a quick comment to the public before escaping in a rented Pontiac Grand Prix. "I'm not apologizing for anything I said. People are getting a bit crazy with the "moments of silence" thing, if you ask me. I can see if I'm actually AT the venue, but in my opinion "moments of silence" shouldn't be forced upon the television viewer. That's bullshit. What if I'm at home listening to music? Am I supposed to just stop my life for this silence? Count me out..."

Soon after the incident, Killogram left the city of Wichita, KS. The Killogram camp declined to make any further comments on the situaton.

Killogram "okay" with new shorts

After receiving a gift card for use at the department store Dillard's, Killogram braved a mall last night in search of new shorts.

"I'm not really sure what happened to all my old shorts, but I can only find 2 pair. This happens every year; it's like my shorts just up and walk away. It's ridiculous!", a befuddled Killogram was overheard saying outside a Saint Louis Shopping Center.

After a grueling 30 minute shopping frenzy, Killogram emerged from the structure with 3 new pairs of shirts, some Phat Farm loungewear and a couple of Roca Wear shirts.

Killogram shrugging afterwards comments on the shopping experience, "I think it was a successful trip, I dunno. I'm not big on department stores and all, but I'm okay with the stuff I got. I got what I had to get and now I'm leaving...excuse me!"

"I couldn't believe it when he came in the store", exclaimed Lindsey Joyce. "I was just folding some Levi's and I look up and...I almost fainted! He was a perfect gentleman, just like I thought he would be. He took some stuff and went into a dressing room. Wait until I tell my friends, they will never believe this!"

When asked about how he know felt about last years shorts Killogram replied, "F**k them, I know I put them in the drawer. Who knows where they are? I don't have the time to waste looking for them right now. Maybe they will turn up, maybe they won't. I've moved on. I have new summer stuff to worry about now."

Killogram opted not to disclose his total purchase price claiming that "It almost all fit on the gift card".

Prickly Pete elated to be a "Good Girl"

After 4 years of utter destruction, Killogram's pet cat
"Prickly Pete"(pictured here) spent the entire Memorial Day weekend sleeping in her $12 cat bed from Pet Smart.

"It was great", Killogram told media outlets Monday afternoon. "Nothing was chewed up, nobody was attacked, and she only puked once! She slept pretty much the entire weekend."

Prickly Pete has been notoriously known as a "Hell Cat", twice biting strangers and even puncturing Killogram's own index finger back in 2002, forcing Killogram to get her teeth filed down in early 2003.

"She is mean, just plain nasty and she doesn't listen", says a family member who wishes to remain anonymous. "If I tell her anything even remotely like discipline, she just hisses, takes a swipe at me and runs away. It's like a horror movie! She once bit me on the arm so hard that I bled and had a scar for months!"

Killogram continued, "I told her on Friday to stay out of the kitchen, and she stayed out of it pretty much the entire weekend! I told her on Saturday that she was a 'Good Girl' and gave her a pinch of catnip."

Prickly Pete was sleeping and not available for comment.