Killogram mania hits France

The world famous "Doll of Killogram" was released last week in shops in France. The doll, modeled after international sensation "Killogram", has been highly sought after in overseas markets.

"I don't understand why we had to wait for so long before getting our dolls", said a local Paris teen, "I've been a Killogram fan since 1990...way before a lot of people. It's just not fair"

Killogram dolls quickly sold out all over the country and our currently on backorder. A distraught Lyon housewife exclaims, "I hope they get in more by the holiday season, I don't know what I'm going to tell my little girl when I come home empty-handed today."

"Sold out? It's only been an hour since you've opened!", yelled an irate man.
"I don't believe this, have you checked in the back for more? I'm going to break your face if if I don't get one before I leave!", cried an unidentifed man.

"Well, I guess the bitches will have to get to the stores earlier next time", was Killogram response when he heard of the near panic going on in with his plastc figurines. "It's not my fault they weren't in line earlier, is it? Jaman can't do everything, can I?"

Handshake To Snap Learned

After 15 long years of trying to master awkward "Handshake transition to finger snap" greeting, Killogram finally achieved his goal Friday night at a benefit Chingy concert at The Pageant, a St. Louis concert nightclub.

Killogram, famously known as a "late snapper" didn't learn how to snap his fingers at all until the late age of 17, when most kids are snapping with both hands and females are already incorporating the snap with the weaving-head motion for what will one day become the most feared gesture in a woman's arsenal.

We caught up with Killogram at his home Sunday night to get the details of the breakthrough, "I was just up at the bar trying to get a Long Island when I was approached by a fan. I normally avoid shaking hands for fear it will turn into that crazy snap move, and I'll end up looking stupid because I was never properly taught how to perform it. I would much rather just give fans warm affectionate embraces, sometimes although rarely I have even been known to thrown in a high-five or the famous mid-90's greeting the 'Fist Pound'."

"I don't know if it was the condensation on the glass that made my hands moist, or just the surprise factor, but before you know it I was feeling the familiar extra-tight finger grip that is the tell-tale sign of the beginning of the snap. At this point, it was too late so I did the best I could and (POP)...I snapped. I couldn't believe it."

"He seemed like he knew what he was doing", said Demetrius L. Bledsoe, the fan that was involved in the handshake, "I mean, I wouldn't have even attempted the move had I known he had reservations. But now that I think back, I remember his grip being probably a tad too loose for some people, but it worked fine for me."

"I was on high all that night, and until mid-day Saturday," Killogram continued. "I Handshake-Snapped 4 more people that night and pulled all but 1 of them off flawlessly. It's just a testament to what I've been saying all these years man, if God is with you, no man can be against you. I mean look at the odds of me ever learning that snap move! After 15 years. This is wild!"

Killogram albeit pleased with his recent discovery is still a realist.

"I still cannot snap with my left hand, and I use the wrong fingers on my right hand, but I think I'm making progress"

"Ghetto Pass" Revoked!

After being overheard uttering the phrase "Gettin' Jiggy Wit It" in a nightclub on Wednesday night, Jeff Blake Area Director of Ghetto's of America(GoA), responded by revoking Killogram's 'Ghetto Pass'.

"This is exactly the type of behavior and phrase usage we are trying to avoid", says Blake. "It's bad enough that we have young kids idolizing this guy, but for him to use slang like that in a public place...that's unacceptable.

Killogram denies the use of such a phrase. "I'm appealing this decision, I never said anything remotely like that. Why doesn't this guy just accuse me of wearing a Coca-Cola sweatshirt too? This whole story is ridiculous!"

The phrase "Gettin' Jiggy Wit It" was made popular by recording artist/actor Will Smith in the Spring of 1998. The phrase was soon after placed on the GoA's "unacceptable slang" list.

Dell Plummets after hard drive fiasco

After a late night call by Killogram to Dell Support last night to inquire about a possible bad IDE hard drive that was installed on his new computer, Dell stock was found today trading well-below forecasted levels.

Mary Sweeney of "Sweeney, Huber & Smith" comments, "We are being bombarded with sell orders, it's hard for us to keep up with the calls! We had no idea the power that Killogram has over the market...".

And she isn't alone in her centiment. "Are you telling me that my Dell stock is taking a hit because some clownshoe in the Midwest has a bad hard drive? That's bulls**t" wrote 'DellLover' on a Dell sponsored message board.

Most analysts think this is just a short-term setback and that the long-term future of Dell looks bright.

As of this writing Dell was down .08(.23%) to $34.28.

Killogram prime suspect in Criminal Assault of NJ woman

John Smiley, the lead detective in the mysterious "Crack Back" case that has held the nation in fear for over a month, called a press conference today to relay new information to the media.

"After 6 long weeks of police work, we believe we have a suspect. We are currently looking to question a Jaman Burton, 31, living in or around the Saint Louis, Missouri Metropolitan area. The suspect also travels using the alias Killogram."
"We believe the suspect was exiting his residence on the morning of April 3rd, 2004 when in a moment of unadulterated maternal disrespect, he stepped on a crack and broke his mother's back"

Jaman Burton is the son of Deldra Eaton, the victim in this case.

We were able to reach Mrs. Eaton at Kennedy Memorial Hospital, where she is currently in traction, for comments on the new turn of events. "I didn't want to believe it was him, although in my heart of hearts I knew it had to be", exclaimed the teary-eyed mother, "I warned him when he bought that house that the sidewalk had too many cracks in it! It just wasn't safe."

Attempts to reach Killogram were unsuccessful, as of this writing he is still a member of the population-at-large.

The Passion of the Killogram

After 10 long days of development, The Chronicles of Killogram launches next week. The highly anticipated site launch from the well-known and often controversial Cincinnati native will be sure to garner its share of criticisms.

"I don't even know who this Killogram guy is", says Suzi Frazier of Dayton, Ohio, "but my sons sure love him and have alot of his posters!".

"He's a bum, if you ask me! A self-centered, arrogant bum! I won't be visiting his site!", says an unidentified onlooker.

All attempts to reach Killogram for comment were unsuccessful.